I watched Line of Duty last night because my brother was having a party without me

I think I’ll have to give this some proper thought later on today and write a big post about it, but for now. 



It’s amazing! Because:


Call the Midwife gets chucked to her death from a hospital window!111!!! 


I don’t even dislike the Call the Midwife, although she is a bit of a frigid bitch, haha jokes. But I think it was so entertaining because she was so skinny and she just got hoisted up and lobbed out like a telly! 




This blog is really going downhill. 


I watched Line of Duty last night because my brother was having a party without me

Last night I watched half an hour of Midsomer Murders then I fell asleep

I think TV is really important probably because I don’t have a whole load of friends and/because I have a real affinity with Roy Cropper. Image

(I can’t explain this photo)

I wanted to write this blog about TV and thought that was a good idea because there isn’t anywhere where people who’ve all watched the same thing at the same time can go to have the same opinions about it, er apart from twitter. edit: I suppose there’s also forums but who still goes on forums? I used to go on a Horrible Histories forum when I was 12 and I got extradited for trying to bring the discussion back to archaeological digs in your local area rather than pop tunes.

All the on topic with the Zeitgeist programmes are helpfully laid out for you on twitter, as is everything. This makes it easy – if you were a robot per say – to just read a load of twitter and regurgitate it, and everyone would just go along with it and believe you were a cultured, fully formed member of society when actually you’re just a mound of flab and fibre glass.

I thought in that case that I would write on the programmes that maybe people don’t give as much of a chance because they’re not ‘critically acclaimed’ or ‘good’, but I watched half an hour of Midosmer Murders and fell asleep because it was so shit …and then I woke up with an awful taste in my mouth but that would’ve been the quorn tbf.

In the road system of culture, Midsomer Murders is so far beyond the middle of the road I think you’d call it the hard shoulder (? I’ve literally been on a motorway 5 times). I actually love easily watchable middle of the road drama like Jonathan Creek (Caroline Quentin era) because the bursts of brilliance in the writing e.g “pot pourri, it’s the biggest scam of the 90’s”, come out of nowhere like the spooky ghosts what he is looking for! (simile using the semantic field of  detective drama with intended colloquialisms)

Caroline Quentin is my second favourite actress after Lesley Sharp- I don’t really know what happened to me acting my age and being into neknominations and Bruno Mars and all that.

Even when Lesley Sharp is being a tart like in ITV’s The Children, she doesn’t look like a tart. She’s a bit like my mum who was a bit gutted when she asked her own mum at the age of 14 “does this skirt look a bit tarty” to be told she could “never look like a tart if she tried”. ITV has become my favourite channel since I discovered the enveloping warmth of slightly over acted slightly under the “Zeitgeist cultural 101” of the day drama

Sharp plays perfect detective and imperfect bur unapologetic wife DCI Scott in Scott and Bailey. Watching old episodes of Scott and Bailey on YouTube has got me through some serious tough times, there are too many one liners for me to chose a favourite and all the women are as accurately cool and funny as my friends instead of being total saps like in other TV shows.

So that’s the second of my blog posts about TV, this one has been totally irrelevant to anything going on in the world in FEB TWENTY FOURTEEN but the present is overrated in my opinion and I find I rarely do anything in it.

I’ve had some other opinions in the past week on the following topics:

  • neknominations are the lamest* thing I’ve ever seen  and increasingly unfunny, I think more people agree with me than not but it looks like peer pressure is actually still a thing as people are still actually doing it. As with everything that gets boring girls have been recruited by facebook to get basically naked just to spice things up a bit, I’m still bored by it and so is everyone in Macdonalds and they were already bored enough to go to Macdonalds.
  • what does ‘101’ mean? Like if I say “I’m about to show you being cool 101” what does that mean? I think you can just shove it in anywhere so that’s what I’m going to do. I also considered that it might be Roman numerals for LOL and I like that idea a lot.

* I’ve also wondered whether or not ‘lame’ is actually as offensive as other disability based swearwords so I will ask my gran at the weekend and let you know ok.

By the way I am actually really cool.

Last night I watched half an hour of Midsomer Murders then I fell asleep

Katie Hopkins, witch hunt or b**** c****?

Can I first of all apologise for the shoddiest title of a blog post ever, you may have noticed by now I’m not very good at those. The best headline I ever came up with for a piece in the local paper was for a Christmas tree recycling scheme and was thus: ‘Reuse, your spruce, recycle’ which was objectively fantastic but was changed to ‘Branching Out’ which doesn’t make any bloody sense. Mind you I wanted to bend the rules and have ‘Oh Compost all Ye Faithful’, no compost was involved in the scheme, and that’s the reckless guerilla style journalism that ends up in phone hacking and paedos getting off free so that’s why I steered well clear and let that be a lesson to you all. 

A shit person who’s been getting on my pip for too long now is Katie Hopkins, seen here looking like me on every Christmas day between 1992 -2005



The Big Benefits Row aired on Channel 5 – which I forgot was a channel until recently when I caught the end of The Wright Stuff in which a caller phoned in to say not having a maths GCSE would make people ‘feel like a right prick’ but unfortunately it was one of those moments no one else saw or uploaded to YouTube, like that time someone in the audience on Deal or No Deal shouted ‘jeepers!’ when the big two fiddy was revealed AND I WAS THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD WHO HEARD AND SUBSEQUENTLY ROFLD’.

So yes The Big Benefits Row aired on Channel 5 and was really interesting and full of shouting, in fact I think it must have had the loudest shout ever recorded on live TV which is what you can expect when you’re a judgemental cantankerous old cow and you accuse a mother of not doing all she can to provide for her family. 

Katie Hopkins and Edwina Currie’s accusatory attitude from the outset really beggared my belief. I don’t understand a lot about politicians (and I know Katie isn’t one) but I really don’t understand how they fail time and time again to treat human beings as individuals. Katie and Edwina clearly have this ideal of success in life that everyone must be played up against for their approval. As we’ve seen before if you’re born with an unsatisfactory first name that’s enough for Katie to write you off. 

I know that realistically a lot of the people that featured on Benefits Street and programmes like it ARE drug addicts, out of work, alcoholics who watch a lot of telly. But you can’t blame them any more for the set of circumstances they were born into any more than you can blame me for not speaking French. Yes you can try to get a job and get what’s deemed as a good education, but clearly that only gets you so far and clearly that’s failing a lot of people. 

I’ve never been back in time, but there must have been social outcasts who slipped through the cracks in the black and white times, and their human rights were probably considerably compromised because of it. I’m glad that just because you might have been a bit of a cheeky layabout at school, these days it isn’t a death sentence.

At one point Katie condemned Dee for swearing around her children which was totally below the belt. It’s as if Katie doesn’t realise that all the best posh people swear unrelentingly and their kids turn out to be the most hilarious care free toffs at the party. Even my own mother brandished an unsatisfactorily washed knife from the dishwasher at me the other night shouting ‘LOOK AT THIS FUCKER’ and I don’t plan on wrecking society at any point henceforth because of it.This perfect state of morality Katie and Edwina want Britain to adhere to- Cambridge satchels, organic hummus and no swears, I suppose we all grow up and get there in the end in our own way, I don’t even know what ‘there’ is but I know I haven’t reached it yet, maybe Edwina and Katie think they have. (They haven’t they’re shit)

Watching the Big Benefits Row it became obvious that I’d much rather go for a drink with White Dee whose compassion on Benefits Street really was moving. She was also composed, considered and funny. She also looks like she has lovely hard working children as was seen on the programme, there are more ways of measuring wealth and success than Katie would like to think.

Edwina and Katie might have respectable jobs and stiff matronly haircuts; skin clear of tattoos, no facial piercings and received pronunciation but that carefully constructed mask of civility severely slipped on Saturday night and they both instead resembled baying snobby hounds.

At several points  Matthew Wright had to remind the panel and audience not to get too personal, that we were having a mature debate, that you’d be just as bad as Katie if you pointed out her many many flaws in judgement and character.

Programmes like this debate even being commissioned seem to show that the public are realising they’ve been subject to a witch hunt. The amount lost by the government on tax avoidance dwarfs that of benefit fraud, but the tabloid press still jump on otherwise unremarkable stories about people stealing packs of quavers or in other cases putting horrible spins on stories about disturbed murderers.

On the flip side however there’s also an unmistakable witch hunt out for Katie Hopkins, it was said about her by another panellist “you would be really dangerous if you knew what you were talking about” which was met with whoops of applause by the audience. This seems to be an acceptance then that Katie is charismatic, she does have the ability to draw people in, which is in fact a scary combination when paired with total apathy for the human race.

“Oh but she says what we’re all thinking we’re just too afraid to say it!” have a little faith in your brain, sometimes I think about what it would be like to cook and eat a cat but I don’t tell anyone that because I know I’d never get a boyfriend. Seeing misconstrued statistics every now and then does make my inner monologue go “I sit in front of a computer all day to earn my Darwin$ and these clowns think they can sit in front of a telly all day and just get given it for nothing?” but thankfully my brain knows to do a bit of thinking and calms my mouth down before I go out into the world spouting twat chat. 

So I do think it’s fair to rally up the troops to slate Katie on the internet because she’s a dangerous awful person, but that’s the sort of tactics that didn’t work at school and won’t work now, the best way to silence an idiot is to ignore them. 

Next week I’ll be talking about cinnamon, friend or foe?


Katie Hopkins, witch hunt or b**** c****?